My Little Pony: Friendship is Toxic
by Sean101
Summary: Sean, the strongest and most attractive man in the world, has to save a bunch of little ingrates and their stupid pony land. Rated M for manly.
1. The Pink One

My Little Pony:

FRIENDSHIP IS TOXIC

"FUCK ME!" Sean called out as he collapsed on the couch. It was two in the morning and he'd been on his feet all day playing sports and training for sports and watching other people play sports whilst simultaneously training for other sports he hadn't previously trained for. Ass 'o clock in the morning on Saturday heralded one thing: HBO's "Adult Programming" lineup. No monkeys were being slapped here, however – Sean watched this block for the plot.

As he got comf and readied his mind for the upcoming barrage of quality TV, the channel abruptly changed.

"What? What's going... aw, _shit!_" Somebody had scheduled a recording and the DVR had automatically flipped over to it. A rerun of My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic began playing.

Sean couldn't believe his eyes. Who in their right mind was recording this sugarcoated faggot-fest? Whoever it was, Sean would be sure to kick their ass tomorrow. Mom had better watch her back.

He snagged the remote from the coffee table and changed the channel. Well, tried to, at least. Nothing happened when he pressed the buttons. Frustration was building. All he could hear were the cutesy little horsey voices as he mashed the buttons.

Teeny Bikinis was starting in two minutes!

"ARGH" Sean arghed as he threw the remote across the room. It landed next to his stack of 500-pound dumbbells with a CLACK and the battery cover came off.

"Dammit, why does this always happen to me? Stupid ponies. Stupid Hub. Friendship is Magic? More like Friendship is... suck!...my dick!"

In a blind-but-very-manly-fit, Sean ran over to the screen and began berating the ponies that taunted him so.

"Fuck you, and fuck you, and fuck you, and fuck you, and you, and you, and... _OAARRGGHHHYOU'REALLMOTHERFUCKERS!"_

Without a thought, Sean brought his fist back and plunged it into the TV set. Instead of a loud crash and a sense of badassery, however, his hand merely phased right through the screen and into the television.

"...the fu-?" Sean was cut off by something grabbing his hand. Terrified and porn-derived, he was sucked headfirst into the screen.

Sean opened his eyes.

He was lying on a hill, or so it seemed. Lush, green grass blades gently swayed in front of his eyes and a comforting breeze washed over his nipples. He sat up, rubbing his eyes. Soon, his surroundings came into focus. Then it was all too clear.

A humble little village lay below him. Market vendors and cheery citizens roamed the dusty paths and cobblestone walkways.

"Oh shit."

A few of them raced by overhead, darting through the sky and chasing clouds away.

"Oh _shit._"

Large carriages stocked with canned goods and other commodities were pulled through the town – their contents levitated and placed on empty shelves.

"Oh SHIT!"

"Hi there!"

"AHHSHIT!"

A nearby voice startled Sean out of his frightened thoughts. Thinking rationally, he threw a wild haymaker in the direction of the voice, but found no target. Suddenly, a bright, cheery face leaned down from atop his head.

"I've never seen _you _before!"

"AHHHHH!"

Sean stood up and shook his head wildly. The perpetrator tumbled off of his finely-chiseled cranium and giggled.

"Heeheehee...! You got me!"

"WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU?"

The pony was about to open her mouth but Sean quickly clapped a hand over it.

"Wait! I know you... you! You're the pink one!"

A bright grin spread across her face again.

"That's me! Heeheeheehee!"

"Dear God." Her laugh was like that little squeaky sound dinner plates make when you rub silverware on em.

"Pinkie Pie at your service!" She held out a hoof.

"Don't you fucking touch me!" Sean smacked it away. "You're not even real! Is this a dream? Did I mooch off of Dad's acid stash, again?" Dad's acid stash kicked ass.

"Of course we're _real_, silly! How else did I pull you into the TV?" She responded as if this information should be well-known.

"_Yooooouuuuuuu!" _Sean grabbed her by her lapel. Or her... neck... shoulder... connection.

"_You_ got me into this mess?" Sean was considering which method of murder would bring about the greatest pleasure.

"Yep! Hah hah hee hee!" Sean had heard enough. He clapped his hands around the pink little shit's throat and began squeezing.

"Hee hee-ARGHHUGRH! Hargh..._ wait... ungh... stop!_ ...If you do that-_gghrgh-...then I... can't... breathe! Hee hee-RMMMARHGN!"_

Sean almost wished he had a camera. Maybe he could tell this little fucker to reach through the TV and grab it for him.

"Why did you bring me here?" Sean demanded, still choking the pink one.

"_Beca-arhghgrhgh!"_

"Oh, yeah. You can't really answer if you're being strangled." That thought almost entirely dissipated his will to let her go, but he eventually did. She gagged and hacked and sucked in air for a few moments, then finally responded.

"...because we need your help!" she explained.

Sean was flabbergasted. "Now, why in the hell would I want to help you?"

"You're the only one who can! You possess the element we need to restore harmony, silly!"

"Wait, I... what? Okay, can you please elabor-fucking-ate?"

" Here here – come with me!"

"Oh no, no don't touch me-aaaggghhh!"


	2. My Best Friends

Pinkie took Sean by the hand and rushed him through town. Her sugar-fueled sprinting finally came to a stop at what looked like a giant treehouse. Sean deduced that this must be where the Kebler elves live.

Pinkie rapped on the door. "Who is it?" a voice called.

"Your fucking mom, _open the damn door!_" Sean bellowed back.

The door opened soon after and a purple, quite faggy looking prick emerged. "He must be the one you told me about!" she said to Pinkie as she eyed Sean's tone, cut frame.

"Abso-diddle-utely!" Pinkie replied. "The man himself!"

Purple prick frantically shook Sean's hand.

"Thank you so much for coming, you don't know how much this-"

"Hey, hey, okay! Calm your tits." Sean pushed her hooves away and straightened his tie.

She faltered a bit, and then continued: "M-my name is Twilight. I see you've met Pinkie."

"Yeah. Tell your friend that they make pills for her condition."

"C-come inside and meet the rest of my friends."

Twilight held the door open and Sean nervously stepped in. He could barely withstand these two – how many friends could she have?

Thankfully, only a few more were inside. With his kind heart and endless resolve, Sean found that he just might be able to tolerate this crowd. Twilight showed him around.

First up was a mousey little fucker with pink hair and a face that said I-have-previously-been-molested. She wouldn't make eye contact for very long and looked at her hooves a lot. Sean wanted to set her on fire.

"This is Fluttershy." Twilight said, motioning to her friend.

Fluttershy barely managed to look up and meet Sean's gaze.

"Um... hello-" BAM! Sean cut her off by smacking her in the face.

"AWESOME, who's next?" he bellowed.

Next was a down-home, redneck cocksucker with a cowboy hat and the most infuriating freckles Sean had ever seen. How did ponies even _have_ freckles?

"This is Applejack."

"How do you do?" she sarcastically greeted and bitterly tipped her hat.

"Yeah, okay, cut the bullshit. Shouldn't you be churning butter, or something?" Applejack did not take too kindly to Sean's remarks. He actually found it kind of refreshing that one of these ponies showed something that seemed like a genuine emotion.

After her was a rainbow-colored tomboy asshat who seemed to think she was hot shit. She held herself with a proud air and a "cool" face that she had probably been practicing in the mirror all morning.

"Here's Rainbow Dash."

Sean was already tiring of this. "Hello, yes, how are you, nice to meet you, who gives a shit..." he mumbled and poked out a hand. Rainbow Bitch merely kept her arms crossed and eyed him angrily.

"Listen – just because you're new here doesn't mean you get to treat us like garbage." she railed.

"You listen, you shitfaced piece of... shit! I don't even want to _be _here, so while you guys have me enslaved in your little horse world, I reserve the right to be an asshole."

"Oh, so you want us to let our whole world get destroyed just so you can stay home and call yourself 'manly"?"

Sean was losing his mind. "You wanna go, bitch?"

Rainbow started to rise, but Twilight forced herself between the two.

"Please, please, you guys! We have to focus...!"

Rainbow sat back down and Sean stepped away. He didn't care, anymore. He just wanted all these ponies to die.

Twilight attempted to resume her little tour. She walked over to the last of her friends – a prissy little glamour-whore who looked just as angry as the others.

"-and this is Rarity-"

"You know what? I don't give a shit. You guys can all go suffer whatever fate awaits you because you deserve it."

Fluttershy spoke up, still hurting from Sean's devastating smack. "Please Mr. Human, sir, we can't do anything without you...! We're all so scared...!"

Pinkie Pie suddenly ran over to her. "I'm scared too, Fluttershy!"

"Hold me!" Fluttershy called to her. They abruptly began making out.

"Awww, SHIT!" Sean yelled as they frenched. Wasn't this supposed to be a kids' show?

"Finding comfort in each other is only going to last us so long," Twilight said to him, "you're really our only hope to survive this, Mr..."

Sean took a deep breath. "Just call me Sean. And if helping you guys will get you to shut up and stop making out, then fine."

"HOORAY!" the ponies cheered. Sean sat down, contemplating the decision he had just made.

(later, in Princess Celestia's tower)

"Nightmare Moon has established a lair at the top of Mt. Equestria," this really tall fucker was explaining to everyone. "Because you all represent the New Elements of Harmony, you should have the power to change her back to normal."

"And then I can go home?" Sean called out to her.

She eyed him coolly. "Yes. And then you can go home. I must warn you all, however, Nightmare Moon is much more powerful now than she was in your previous encounter. I have no idea what came over her, but you must proceed with extreme caution."

Sean looked back at his cowardly little pony posse. They were all making out with each other for comfort.

"Ugh, why does everyone here have to be so _horny?_" Sean cried. This was gonna be weird.


	3. This Was a Bad Idea

"MY LITTLE PONY, MY LITTLE PONY! AhhhhhHHAAHHHHHHH!" Sean bellowed obnoxiously as they ascended the mountain path. "MY LITTLE PONY! I USED TO GIVE A SHIT, BUT NOW I'M FUCKED! MY LITTLE PONY! SO FUCK MY ASS AND-"

"Will you_ please?_" Rarity snapped back at him from further up the path. "Those aren't even _close _to the correct lyrics!"

"Oh, _ohhh, my apologies, your lordship,_" Sean replied and began to bow, "_shall I bring you a goblet of shit so you can maintain your quota?_"

Rarity groaned. Sean would have to write that one down.

"So, let me get this straight - all we have to do is get there, stand in a line, and we win the battle?" Applejack asked Twilight.

"I _think_ so," Twilight replied. "I mean, the only time our last fight took so long was because we hadn't realized we represented the Elements of Harmony. As long as Sean really is the man we're looking for, theoretically we should have an instant victory on our hands."

Rainbow Dash swooped down next to Sean. At a safe distance, obviously, so his handsomeness wouldn't be a distraction.

"So, what _is _your Element, anyway?" she asked as she glided next to him.

"I, uh... " Sean began and scratched his head, "I don't know. Probably something really gay like Perseverance or Responsibility or whatever."

"Those don't sound so bad," Twilight said from behind him.

"No, no, you've got it all wrong!" Sean began, "I should be something like Annihilation or Heavy Metal."

"Or GUNS!" Rainbow fervently added.

"FUCK YEAH! You know what I'm saying!"

"I don't think your Element will be guns..." Twilight muttered.

"TUHHHHHHHH!" All the air quickly escaped Sean's lungs as he shuffled over to Twilight.

Twilight continued: "That's just not the kind of-" BAM!

Sean knew he'd have to work hard to keep these ponies in line. She'd thank him for that slap, later.

Eventually, the Sean-Pony brigade made it to the top of Mt. Equestria. They were dwarfed by a cathedral-looking structure chiseled from black marble and teeming with gothic flair. Sean had to admit it looked pretty badass.

"We made it! We made it!" Pinkie Pie started bouncing up and down. Sean found himself growing nauseous as he watched her jumping in circles.

"Calm down! Calm down! Don't get a big _dick!_" he called to her.

"If we're going to pull this off, we have to approach her without being noticed," Twilight explained. "Just follow my lead and stay as quiet as possible."

Twilight motioned everybody forward and began creeping into Nightmare Moon's lair. Sean didn't particularly like taking orders from these things, but he had no idea who Nightmare Moon was or what she was capable of. He'd listen to them for now, and then kill them once the mission was done.

Slowly but surely they crept into the main chamber. Columns and dim candles lined the halls and it felt as if the slightest movement echoed throughout the building. Sean was half-tempted to fake a sneeze just to see how loud it would be, but that probably wouldn't be worth dying over.

After tip-toeing through a doorway in the back of the chamber, Sean finally saw the antagonist in this play. Nightmare Moon was like thirty feet tall, solid black, and wore this kickass helmet that screamed Just-Try-to-Fuck-With-Me. Sean noticed that she had both wings _and _a unicorn horn, so some serious crossbreeding must've created this beast. Before he got a chance to really analyze her further, however, Twilight and the others rushed into position.

"Hello, my friends!" she called from her throne. She was filing her hooves and didn't seem to pay them any mind.

"Hello!" Sean called back and waved. He was quickly ushered into position by Twilight.

"Nightmare Moon!" Twilight called out once everyone was in a line. Sean kind of felt like he was in a shitty version of the Justice League. "Your reign of terror is over!"

Their foe merely laughed and looked over at them. "And just _why _would that be?" she questioned, a grin slowly spreading across her face.

"Be-_cause_, we are the Elements of _Harmony!_" Pinkie yelled impatiently. Nightmare Moon laughed again.

"If you really were the Elements of Harmony, then why am I still here?" she asked. Her question bounced off the walls and nobody had an answer for it. Twilight looked around at her friends, dread growing. There was no glowing, no levitating, no bright flash of light that fixed everything. They were just... you know, standing around.

"You there!" Nightmare called to Sean.

"Who, me? Hello, yes?"

"You are the elusive seventh Element, are you not?"

"I... I think so...!"

"What is your Element, good sir?" She had adopted a look of mock-curiosity.

"I don't know! Probably the Element of I-Don't-Want-To-Fucking-Be-Here!"

Cackling erupted from Nightmare and she threw her head back. "Goodness me!" she called, "You brought him here to defeat me and he doesn't even _like _you at all? I'd say he's a _long _way from Harmony at this point, wouldn't you agree?"

"Absolutely!" Sean called to her, "I hate these fucking ponies, I don't know what they were thinking!"

Twilight hung her head low. Nightmare Moon was right. They had worked so hard to bring him here that they completely forgot to work on making friends with him. She had just kind of accepted that he hated them, but for the Elements to work, they required the magic of friendship.

Nightmare Moon rose from her throne, her full height really showing now.

"We-he-he-hell, then. If we're all done here, I'd say it's time for you to leave."

Her eyes darted in the direction of Pinkie and Fluttershy, over on the right side of the line. They realized they had been targeted and began making out as hard as they could, but it wasn't enough. A bright flash of energy shot from Moon's horn and hit them, erupting in a blinding explosion of blue and white light. They were sent cartwheeling through the air and crashed into the back wall.

"Holy FUCK!" Sean yelled. This just got real.

Applejack had seen enough. She charged at Nightmare Moon and prepared to strike. With hardly a wave of her horn, Nightmare Moon abruptly halted Applejack's charge by setting her on fire.

"...aaaaaaaAAAAAAAGH!" she bellowed as she madly dashed around the room, brightening every corner she ran to. She was practically a three-foot ball of flame, by this point. Thinking quickly, Twilight used magic of her own to knock Applejack off her feet. Or, hooves. She tripped and rolled a good ways across the room before coming to a stop on the east wall. A few embers were still burning, but most of the fire was out.

Through that commotion, Sean hadn't noticed Nightmare readying another attack. Keeping it fresh, this time she unleashed a bright blue beam upon Rarity. Upon contact, it froze her body solid, keeping her head thawed out as to not interfere with any visible suffering. Rarity managed to squeak as she was frozen, then stiffly toppled over, teeth chattering. Sean liked the whole 'fire and ice' thing Nightmare was doing, here, but was still mortified by the attack.

Twilight was furious, now. Her horn lit up brightly as she ran at Nightmare Moon. She let out a fierce battle cry and lunged at her target. She was effortlessly stopped by Nightmare's telekinesis, and Twilight could only float there kicking and yelling. Nightmare took this time to really eyeball her target. Sean began to fear that Twilight would be crushed like a grape, but instead, Nightmare resorted to more traditional means. She fiercely forced Twilight upward. Her victim yelled before crashing into the ceiling – the heavy thud issuing a deafening echo. Then Twilight was being brought down, down, and down, finally crashing on the floor where she had previously jumped. Sean cringed and looked away from the fall. He turned to see Twilight's mangled body on the marble floor groaning.

Sean was about to lean down when a fierce rushing sensation by his shoulder made him stumble backward. Rainbow had shot at Nightmare Moon with tremendous speed, but she was stopped as easily as the others were. More evil laughter erupted from Nightmare as she held her prey helplessly in her magic-y grasp. A mental wheel spun and Sean tried to think of what beating would ensue. Crushed by rocks? Electrocuted? Given a papercut and then not allowed to wash it out? Those were pretty good ideas, but Nightmare did something a lot more interesting.

A servant of Nightmare's – a little black colt with similar attire, but about five feet shorter – came out from a side doorway upon her request. He held a strange looking device in his mouth that kind of looked like a space-age gun.

"Hrghg youg arshsh, yghoug Maghjeshty!" he told her, holding out the gun. She chuckled and levitated it out of his mouth, bringing it over to Rainbow Dash's forehead.

"I've been meaning to try this one out," she explained to her captured prey and pulled the trigger. Sean closed his eyes and prepared for another deafening explosion, but instead heard a strange, airy sound. He opened his eyes and saw that the gun did not shoot, but rather took _in_ something. It seemed to be draining the life out of Rainbow. In a matter of seconds her colors disappeared, quickly fading to various shades of gray. Her head bobbed forward and her eyes shut soon afterward.

Nightmare grinned and she tossed her lifeless prey across the room. Sean could only watch as she hit the ground and tumbled for a few feet – a powerless gray heap, too weak to stand. Sean looked around at the rest of the group: Pinkie and Fluttershy charred in the corner, Applejack still smoking, Rarity shivering in her icy prison, Twilight still beaten and mangled next to Nightmare's throne... Sean was the last one.

Sean turned on his heels and spoke up. "Okay... if there's any kind of deal where you spare me and I become your evil servant, I'm totally up for it."

Nightmare threw her head back and cackled once more. "Of _course_! You hate these ponies just as much as I do! Come here, have a seat."

Her servant returned, pushing a black armchair with his nose. He scooted it over next to Nightmare's throne, bowed, and left again. Sean slowly stepped up to his chair and settled down in it. It was quite comfy – made out of that plush, squishy armchair stuff. He couldn't help but wonder if Nightmare could bring a TV in here. Maybe some chicken wings... a pizza...

He turned to look at his new master. Nightmare returned his gaze with a proud smile. She wasn't so bad. She just had a different agenda than the rest of these ponies did. Natural selection is _supposed_ to happen – the weak ones die out and the strong ones remain. Plus, she looked _way_ cooler than the other ones did.

Sadly, this probably meant that Sean wouldn't be returning to the real world any time soon. He hadn't completed Celestia's mission, and Nightmare would probably keep him as a servant forever. But, if he had to choose the circumstance under which he would be trapped in the pony world forever, this would probably be it. Sure, he's working for the _bad_ guys, but at least he's on the winning side. It's not like these ponies are real, anyway. All hail Nightmare Moon.

Fuck 'em all.

THE END

...

Okay, that's not really the end. Calm down, damn.


	4. Friendship is Toxic

"Amadeus AmaDEUS! A-maDEUS! Amadeus AmaDEUS!" Sean sang, reclining in his chair. "Oh oh oh, Amadeus! Do you know that song?"

"I don't really listen to music..." Nightmare Moon told him.

"You don't... _what?_"

"Come now, I have a mission for you." Using her magic, she brought the spacey gun over to him.

"Take my color-sucking gun; drain the color from the sun." A wild grin spread across her face.

"Hey, that rhymed!" Sean took the gun and Nightmare giggled. She was so cute.

"Do you have the map ready?" she called through the side door to her servant. She stood up and walked out of the room, leaving Sean to his duties.

Sean made it halfway to the doorway when he realized – how the fuck was he supposed to drain the color from the sun? She practically had to touch the gun to Rainbow's forehead to get it to work, and it was nighttime, anyways. Maybe "drain the color from the sun" was just code for "drain the color from fuck-if-I-care". Yeah, that was probably-

"Oop." Sean stumbled and caught his footing. He looked back to see that he had almost tripped over Rainbow Dash. Or, should I say, Monochrome Dash. She was still conscious, surprisingly, and she managed to lift her head a few inches.

"...Sean... don't... let..." she tried to speak. It was pretty sad to see someone with so much heart and determination barely even able to move. Sean began to question his choices. He'd pretty much been an ass since the moment he set foot here. The ponies had placed all their chips solely on him, and he had let them all down. He had to be friends with them to make the Elements work. Technically, this was kind of his fault.

Sean groaned and let his hands fall down his face. Was he about to try and make a last-ditch effort to stop Nightmare Moon? He looked at the color-sucking gun. This might work. Like it or not, he _was _supposed to be the good guy.

Sean breathed a heavy sigh. He knelt down, flipping the gun in his hands. He looked over at Monochrome Dash, still trying to open her eyes. A thought occurred to him: if this thing sucked the life out of people, could it not put it back? Quickly, he flipped the gun around and examined the back. It had two settings: "Suck" and "Blow". It took Sean a few seconds to aim the gun because he was laughing so hard. Finally, he set the barrel on his fallen comrade's forehead and set the gun to Blow. The gun was incredibly efficient – Dash's colors were restored almost instantly.

"Huh, what?" She sat up quickly and looked at Sean. "What happened?"

"Nightmare Moon sucked all the life out of you with this sweet gun," Sean explained, holding it up. "She thinks I'm on her side and left me alone with it."

Rainbow's face lit up. "We might be able to pull this off!" she said, excitedly hugging Sean. Every instinct told him to throw this bitch off, but there was a time and place for everything. He returned the hug.

"I'm not sure how we should hit her with this, though," Sean explained, setting the gun back to Suck. "She kind of has the ability to beat people up without even touching them."

"We'll just have to do what Twilight said," she replied, "...be _sneaky_!"

Sean grinned. This would be just like Splinter Cell!

He and Rainbow tip-hooved/toed over to the side doorway Nightmare had disappeared into. Rainbow would make herself known and cause a distraction, and Sean would pop up right behind the beautiful bastard and drain her color. It would be kind of an anticlimax, though, considering Nightmare Moon was already solid black. Maybe he could spill some paint on her, or something.

They had crept about halfway to the door when Nightmare's adorable little servant walked out. It didn't take him long to notice that Sean was sneaking around with a technicolor Dash.

"Hey, wait! You're not supposed to do _that!_" he reprimanded. He whirled around and was about to holler for Nightmare Moon, but much akin to her name, Rainbow dashed over and clapped a hoof over his mouth. She picked him up as his muffled yelling became frantic and flew him over to Sean. Sean poked him with the color-sucking gun.

"Your soul... is _mine!_" Sean whispered and pulled the trigger. He had him in a lifeless heap on the marble in a matter of seconds. "That's so awesome."

The dynamic duo peeked into the side doorway. It led to a much smaller room packed with tables, maps, and all kinds of planning equipment. Nightmare Moon was in the back, sliding pieces around on a table. Sean silently crept in and hid behind a desk. Nightmare looked up, seemingly sniffing the air for potential intruders. She whirled around and came eye-to-eye with Rainbow Dash.

"Guess who's back?" Rainbow called to her.

"That's _weird_, the color-sucking gun is supposed to last forever," she replied, more confused than anything.

"FOR THE KAISER!" Sean yelled as he stood up, jabbing her with the gun and pulling the trigger.

Silence washed over the room.

Nightmare slowly turned and looked at her loyal assailant. Sean anxiously looked from the gun to Nightmare, panic manifesting on his face. After a few more agonizing seconds, Nightmare Moon began to laugh.

"HAH HAH Hah _hah haaaahh..._! Did you _really _think I would create a weapon that worked on _me_? I've already been defeated once, I am prepared as _shit!_"

Sean slowly lowered his gun as Nightmare continued to laugh. She was prepared as shit. He looked across the room at Rainbow Dash as her triumph melted to despair. He had lifted her spirits just enough to bring them down again. As Nightmare cackled, Sean felt his panic turning into anger.

"Will you _stop... laughing? FUCK!_" Sean yelled. Nightmare shut her mouth and glared at Sean. "You're _so _fucking confident with your magic and your guns... do you know who you're dealing with? The Elements of Harmony! _Elements... of fucking... Harmony!_ And I've realized something. You're kind of a dick! Who attacks _ponies? Pony-VILLE, _no less! What did they even do?"

Nightmare was beginning to grin. She was enjoying Sean's display of rage.

"_NO! No, stop fucking smiling! _We are going to kick your ass and rip out your heart while it's still beating. You may have blasted my friends, but you are dealing with the seventh Element, here."

Nightmare's expression began to falter.

"And I... am the Element... of smacking bitches."

Sean brought back his hand and readied it for a slap. Nightmare was about to start laughing again when a bright light erupted from the throne room.

"Hah ha-...wha... what? NO! _No no no_!" Nightmare was reeling. Rainbow Dash had begun to levitate, her eyes transforming into bright white lights. The remaining five were drifting in, eyes blazing, with Twilight leading them.

"Agh...I-..._IMPOSSIBLE_!" Nightmare cried as the ponies floated into place.

"You _can't _be the Elements! You!" She whirled to face Sean. "You're a _human! _You don't even believe these ponies _exist!_ No! _Nooooooo_!"

Sean's eyes turned a bright white as he let his pimp hand fly. It nailed the bitch and smacked the taste out of her mouth with a blinding flash. The entire cathedral lit up as the deafening sound filled every chamber. Eventually the light faded. The floating ponies collapsed on the floor and Nightmare Moon slowly sat up. Well, she wasn't Nightmare Moon anymore.

Sean was confused. He had expected her to be in a million tiny pieces. She really just got like two feet shorter and lost her awesome helmet. Rainbow Dash trotted over and explained.

"Nightmare Moon was actually Princess Luna, Princess Celestia's sister. When she gets corrupted, she transforms into this super-evil form of herself that we fought. Only the Elements can change her back to normal."

"Ooohhhhhhhh..." Sean replied. Princess Luna rubbed her eyes and looked around the room. She saw Sean and Rainbow standing in front of her, then looked back and saw the remaining collapsed ponies. She formulated what had just happened.

"Uhh..." she began, "...can you... not... turn me in to Princess Celestia?"

Sean looked down and thought for a moment. "Only if you let me keep the gun."

"Deal," Luna replied. Sean and Rainbow closed their eyes and Luna teleported away.

"We'll give Celestia some time to cool down," Rainbow spoke up, "...I'm sure she's pretty pissed off that her sister did this _twice_."

"I don't understand, though. What was so special about me that I was needed for the Elements to work? I barely pulled this off – it took me this long just to align myself with your side!" Sean said to Dash.

"We _told _you, you possessed the seventh Element! It must've been the

Element of Smacking Bitches!"

Sean's mouth fell open. "My Element _does _kick ass!" He and Rainbow shared a victory hug.

"Well, I guess you guys don't have to worry about an evil overlord, now. You can get comfortable, and stuff – I mean, you've pretty much got it made."

"You know," Rainbow began, "we usually make out with each other for comfort."

"Yeah..." Sean replied, "...and... are you currently lacking in the comfort department?"

"Maybe a little..." she replied, grinning.

Then they made out. And it was glorious.

...

"Yeah, we changed her back, but she was _waaaay _too fast for us to stop," Sean told Princess Celestia in her tower. "I'm sure she'll be back."

"I can't believe you were the Element of Smacking Bitches." Celestia was still stunned by the story.

"Yeah, the universe must've gotten really fucking awesome since the last time you guys fought."

"Well, despite your shortcomings, I must congratulate you on a job well done. You have once again banished Nightmare Moon and restored peace to this land. I shall now return you home."

"Wait!" Sean called out, "Can... can I bring Rainbow Dash?"

"Oh, heavens no! We get outsiders here all the time, but bringing anything from the pony world into the human world could have dire consequences."

"Ugh, alright." Sean was expecting this reply, but it didn't hurt to ask.

"Don't worry, Sean," Rainbow spoke up next to him, "when Pinkie gets out of the hospital we can always get her to bring you back."

"Yeah... yeah, okay. But if people start making fun of me for watching My Little Pony, then it's your fucking fault."

Rainbow giggled. Sean prepared himself for the transport.

All in all, it had been a pretty crazy ride. It felt like an eternity since he had first landed on that hill outside Ponyville. Yeah, he had been quite a handsome little dick, but in the end, he had done more positive things than negative things. Yeah, Twilight and Rarity and all them were in the hospital, but he had saved their world! That's a big one! Maybe his heroic acts would get him promoted to Emperor of Equestria or something. He would rule with an obsidian fist and make sure the ponies weren't so gay all the time. Yeah... that would be awesome.

The room filled with light as Sean was transported away, back to his couch and his normal little house. As he disappeared, something fell out of his pocket and on to the floor of Celestia's chamber.

"Hmm? What's this?" Celestia asked as she stepped over to the object. It was the color-sucking gun. She looked up.

"He tried to take Luna's weapon home with him. That _bitch_."

THE END FOR REAL THIS TIME


End file.
